TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully away from area. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have An additional put the place American Adult men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer All people a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he need to prevent applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower Trump Tower Damascus as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from House, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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